update....melodrama meltdown

 Current mood:blah

I feel as though i ought to elaborate...i tried to blog it out yesterday, but then i forgot to send it out and inevitably deleted it instead.  Someone, i shall not say whom, went through my stuff in my bedroom and found a sort of Diary, of sorts.  This contained my deepest fears, my tawdry affairs, my deepest hatred and rage, paired, along with every person whom I'd ever wronged-to the best of my recollection.  That's a freakin' lot of people, let me tell you.  All of my sordid past-gone in one person's inconsiderate and juvenile antics. 
still worse, despite the fact that i kept it in my underwear drawer...under my socks you pervs, but either way, my "Mentor" T-dog as i call her, told me that in the great grand scheme of things that That particular detail didn't really matter.  That's true, i guess, but even after he took it, he told someone else the damaging material from inside, and then was mad that the other person had told me what had happened. 
He now has it and won't give it back and is threatening to do lawyer-related things with it.  Except he's a moron and doesn't know that the statute of limitations for a misdemeanor as a juvenile is beyond invasion of privacy and theft and harassment and etc. 

On another note, i just keep reading. I love Janice Dickinson, and just recently finished Tweaked by Patrick Moore.  It was fantastic!  So was check, please! i think when I get home, i will go home and read something else I guess.  I am running out of books.

fleeing the country....catching up on life...

I am doing something that I never saw myself doing before: reading the autobiography of Janice Dickinson.  I have no idea what it is about her. She is so...intriguing.  The book reads like it was written by a middle-schooler, but you feel like you're right there in it all, meeting all these crazy celebrities all over the world.  It all sounds really cool.

I hope to god my life is that cool when I get through med school.  Maybe that's it- that is my thing!  I hope it is, because there's not really a whole lot else I am good at AND open to doing as a job, and Tina Fey already has the other best job in the universe, so I will have to settle for a MD. 
I have no desire whatsoever to take the LSAT.  Law school is for real geeks....or so I thought.  What the hell do you use a MAT for?  I want to take that, but what is the practicality?  I didn't know when I was a kid that I would take stuff like a ASCP board, or a MCAT, for that matter either. 

I am really excited to go to Europe.  I miss those folks so much it almost hurts knowing that I will be coming home.  But that's the way the cookie crumbles.  I am back in the real world now, so I have to get back from the ball before my glass slipper turns into a pumpkin or something. 
I realized that romantically, on a personal note that the reason that I couldn't get my last 3 year's relationships to work is mostly because I have been hung up on someone else.  That sucks!  Wow.  I have been chasing a ghost for so long that I got a message from that person for the first time in a LONG time and nearly lost it.  We have become OK email acquaintances in the meantime, but I have no idea what will come of it.  The timing, the distance, the fact that I have NOT moved on, etc... details, details...
OK that's enough personal stuff for now...
Lori, go back to work or i will tell on you... ;-)
love ya all,
Shayna

working hard, or hardly working?

Current mood:thoughtful

Today was good I guess.  I actually managed to pick up the ten thousand pound phone to do "what i gotta do."  I am in a good place right now.  I am doing the stuff i am supposed to, am currently working on actually getting over someone from a long time ago...with whom I did not actually have a long-term relationship-so you'd think there wouldn't really be that many feelings, but it is a big hole.  I have wondered everything and questioned everything.  I was watching a favorite movie of mine yesterday morning, Kissing Jessica Stein, (no jokes thanks!) and I remembered identifying with the character of Jessica so much.  Most of my relationships turn out to be more of a friendship, which is okay for me, but not so much for the other person involved.

It's been a really long day.  I guess I will talk about it with "Special T" tomorrow.  He he. 
Well i really miss talking to "Special K" and "Peppermint P" and "Mom" about this stuff, because it was like my real mom, but not judgmental, and not also telling me only what i wanted to hear, but what i needed to hear.  I miss my Germany folks soooooo much.  I haven't been this "homesick" since the day I left, and the week i got back to PA. I guess I am really truly faced with the fact that i have to rely on the people right in front of me instead of those all around the world. 
I don't think i will really ever be able to fix the Kim thing, God knows I've tried.  I would do just about anything to make it right, but how do you say that to someone who won't talk to you?  ;-) 

So my life today is better. I am grateful for stuff I never recognized before.  I am happy to be in people's lives, on their terms too, not just mine.  

I also dyed my hair fire-engine red. it's great.  I mean it didn't stick to my roots so well, but i think that had a lot to do with the fact that I only left it in for like 20 minutes and sort of half-assed it...