Is there meaning to life when you run out of pop-tarts?

Current mood:bored

I just out of the blue realized that not only am I EXACTLY where i am supposed to be, but i have drastic measurable progress from where i used to be.  I am not a kid anymore, and being a grown-up is still really just too boring, so i keep living in this mental high-school.  I am sure that sounded even crazier than it did in my own mind.  I keep having these situations and opportunities thrown into my lap to grow from. Doing what i am supposed to is getting easier, but i don’t know that it will ever just "come naturally"

I got to talk to my best friend in the whole wide world (my newest bestest friend) the other day. I forgot how much i miss people when i shut them out.  See, when people get too close and start to get to know me, i run away.  I shut them out, dodge their calls, and ignore their myspace messages...   how crazy is that?  If you do that too, then you’re as nuts as i am.  ANYWAY i am working on not doing that anymore.  I don’t want to be that person who has a flock of friends around when it’s only convenient for me, forget the rest!  Instead of just spending all my time thinking about all the people that i miss at the moment and how it would be nice to re-connect with those folks and pick up with our friendship from anywhere in my Manic past, i think about it more than face value now.  Yes, i miss a bunch of folks. Yes it would be really cool to hang out with them all right now!  Then they would open up to me, i would tell them all about what’s been going on and before i know it, i’m hiding from their calls again.  Maybe it’s some sort of self-preservation, but after a long while all you’re left with is a bunch of memories and pictures of people who you don’t know anymore. 

Long story short, i am working on it!  I am and will forever be a commitment-phobe, in relationships and all sorts of obligations, but i hate HAVING to do stuff.  I think i am just a flower child born 30 years late. 

more to follow.
much love, Shayna

What’s new? (AKA No sex in the city.)

I really hate when people ask me what’s new?  Obviously if there was some exciting life changing event in my life, and you know me, you’d know that i would never keep my mouth closed ever, so this is one of the exceptions for "there are no stupid questions."  Yes there are.  That was one of them.  Maybe something did happen and i just don’t want to tell you because we’re "just not tight like that" as my buddy would say.  And at that point, it’s none of your business anyway.   LOL

Ok enough contrition. 
I am at the point where I am beginning to date again.  I feel like i was out of the dating pool for a million years and don’t remember how it works.  I suppose every new relationship is new and exciting in its own right.  For the first time i can remember, i am starting to really think about what are the qualities that i want in someone, as opposed to "here are the qualities in this person, do i settle or not?"  Most of the time in relationships i have been in have worked out the same.  MOST of them.  No, not all of them, but I found that i end up realizing all the qualities i DON’T want before i find someone i can tolerate being around for more than an hour at a time.  :) 

I want someone who is a lot like me, but not me.  Someone who is driven, loves to laugh and goof off sometimes, but can still take the important stuff seriously. There are a million more things, so i will just save you the effort.... 
It is also exciting, because for the first time, i am single, but not lonely.  My friends and surrogate sisters mean so much to me.  Romance can never trump the love of a best friend. not even come close. If you happen to fall in love with your best friend, then that changes everything, but i know for me, that doesn’t really work....
I really miss being in a relationship.  I miss having someone to hold and fall asleep with.  It took me four and a half years to realize that the reason that i can’t be in a serious relationship is that in the back of my mind, i have clung on to this notion of being with somebody else...The One that changes you forever.  The One who no matter how things ended between you, they will always occupy the back of my mind.  I am not even sure i would want to pursue a relationship, but i’m the kind of impulsive girl who would still drop everything and move across the world.  Well whatever, at least i am living my life differently today. At least I have a better set of problems. 
Learn from me, either chase your dream or dream something new, but you can’t do both, well I can’t anyway.  I don’t really know what to do.  I even forget how to be asked out on a date?  Are the men still clubbing the women over the head to drag them back to the cave? 
Well, if my old "the one"  reads this, (i’d be surprised lol) but i would say something like "wow, it’s been years, I would like a chance to get to know you again." You could do the same...  talk about vices you’ve given up- drinking, smoking, chocolate, the Sopranos-whatever.  Just reconnect. You’ll realize soon whether or not the electricity is there.  Then you can finally move on, or do things however you are supposed to.  Thank God for second chances.  (For some of us-thirds fourth and fifth chances also!)

Anyway i am done rambling now, so If you are reading this and think i am crazy, I am. 
more to come another day,
love,
Shayna

PS many the miles