Current mood:
chipper
How is it that whenever I feel like I need to vent, I am doing something wrong? I feel like everyone else deals with their "baggage" way better than me. On the grander scheme of things, my life is so fantastic right now. I have a friend who is coming back in about a week, and I can't wait. I missed her a whole bunch!
My piercing is a tad sore. I finally told my mom about it. I wasn't embarrassed to tell her about any of the other stuff, but the fact that I got my tongue pierced was beyond me. No, I haven't yet gotten any flatware stuck on it. Thanks guys for scaring the shit out of me before I even did it. I appreciate it.
j/k I have learned so much stuff over the last month or so. Ironically it all started when I pulled off my rose-colored glasses to see what the world was really about. I, in turn, was able to see from a more reliable vantage point.
Someone apologized to me for getting "a little fucking poetic." She's way nicer than me. I am getting fucking poetic, deal with it.
I have given up. I have tried every way i knew to get what I wanted. I have since learned that it really didn't matter, because what i wanted was selfish and contrary to what the bigger picture had in store. good things are still happening to me, but now, i get to share them with other people, instead of trying to be the "Special one" or have the best or newest whatever. Life is way too short to live with a selfish mindset. If i knew me before I started to become the person i am trying to be, i would kick my own ass. Selfish? I wanted to be the one who helps little old ladies get out a shopping cart at the grocery store and then pushes it back to the store for them after they are done. I wanted to be the one who can throw a twenty in the Salvation Army thingy without the Santa guy coming back to me to ask if I'd made a mistake. I wanted to be the one who is at the hospital and after visiting hours and my shift is over, when you can't sleep, i will sit with you and talk you through it all, holding your hand and crying with you. I was the one who in high school would spend hours filing articles for a particular teacher who would share her immense passion for psychology and education and politics and so on, for the price of my organizational skills. I was the one who without asking would pick up trash on the side of the street, help fix a flat for a stranger, throw my change in the "Make a Wish" cup and so on. How the hell did i become the person who didn't even want to be around people because I thought they'd ask me for a little of my time. When had that happened? I was truly a sick individual. I guess I can't really focus too much on all of that, and instead, need more to focus on what i can do right now to help other people... or else i won't be worth fixing.
I think i look at it this way: I have a problem, for which there is no set solution, only suggestions to lessen it. What i want more than to solve that particular problem is to become the right person as a whole. I can do little things here and there, but until my heart AND mind are in the right place, it won't do any good at all. I am working on all of that, and i am sure that one day i will be there, but for now, I am content with the little progress i have made thus far. It makes me want to come back over a long period of time and work it long-term. we'll see.
I am a whole Dr. Phil season all wrapped up into a 5'4" package. Whodathunkit?
Today I am glad for my friends. They tell me what I need to hear-the truth! not what I want to hear, the TRUTH!!!!
To you, my friends, you know exactly whom you are, I love you much and owe today's stark revelation to you, making me think always of anything but me! I love it!
love and peace!
Shayna
giddy
For almost all of you, I will miss you dearly and try my freaking best to stay in touch, (if you want), but then hell, half of you won't even read this anyway! 
