My "New" Play List

Good evening to you!

I had to put the "New" in the header in quotes, as most of the songs on my new favorite playlist are not new songs, nor are they new to me! I'm titling it "Half-caf." Like the coffee style namesake, do not underestimate it's power to rock.  So without too much hype, here is my current absolute FAVE songs in the order they appear in my iPod:

1. I Want You Back-   KT Tunstall
2. Closer To Me - Dar Williams
3. As Cool As I Am- Dar Williams
4. Ironic-   Alanis Morisette (the MTV Unplugged version)
5. New Shoes-   Paolo Nutini
6. Stuck In The Middle With You-  Stealer's Wheel
7. Faith -George Michael (everyone has a guilty pleasure song, and I'm letting my Freak flag fly)
8. Hand Me Down World- The Guess Who
9. Let It Be- The Beatles
10. Blackbird (cover)- Ani DiFranco
11. Over My Head (Cable Car)- The Fray
12. You Gotta Be- Des'ree
13. No Rain- Blind Mellon
14. Soul Meets Body- Death Cab For Cutie  (because I can't find Catie Curtis's version ANYWHERE!!!
15. To Be With You- Mr. Big (I needed a song for my vocal range, imagine my dismay when I found out they were all dudes....)
16. Classical Gas- Mason Williams (sometimes it's all about a little classical guitar)
17. These Dreams- Heart
18. Kiss That Counted- Catie Curtis
19. 78% H2O- Ani DiFranco
20. Face Up And Sing- Ani DiFranco
21. Shameless- Ani DiFranco (I'm seeing a trend...)
22. Dog Days Are Over- Florence + The Machine (It's as weird a transition as it seems like)
23. I Hate Myself For Loving You-  Joan Jett and The Blackhearts  (Because if you don't have a big relationship regret, you're either lying or seven years old.)
24. Edge Of Seventeen- Stevie Nicks 
25. Just A Girl- No Doubt (remember Gwen back when she had braces and blue hair?  Back when there was still music on MTV and life was good?)
26. Santa Monica- Everclear  Okay so quick side-note, when I went to LA last Nov, this song was my anthem! "I just wanna see some palm trees..."  It always takes me back to my vacation and how fantastical California is.  And then I remember Bobby and I trespassing, climbing a gravel mountain along the PCH, and me cutting my toe.  It was a total rock-n-roll trip.  If you really want to know more, just ask me. (It's funny because I'm the only reader and I wrote it!)Oh, and Santa Monica is the background for my profile pic. See the pier?)
27. Six States Away-Bitch and Animal (I think that one's pretty self explanatory...)
28. Once In A Lifetime- The Talking Heads (because every one of my favorite songs lists has this in it.)  David and Tina rock.  "...And you may say to yourself, my god, what have I done?"
29. Today- Smashing Pumpkins (oldie but goodie)
30. Lightning Crashes-Live ( And they are from where I'm from, so auto-cool band from my favorite time in rock music!)

Okay that about sums up my playlist.  I've got this rockin' in the background as a tribute to you, the world out there! Actually, I have to go tweak a paper, but until next time, take care and remember to be good to people. The bum you don't give a penny to might be your boss someday...

Rock and Roll, Heart and Soul.
Shayna

Dreamy

The other morning I woke up from a very weird dream. In the dream one of my high school English teachers and my English professor from last semester were friends. (Ironically my 9th grade teacher is some sort of secondary ed. professor at York College, but I'd wager they've never ever crossed paths.)

The sort of Karma-ish aspect is that after noticing that it was weird to notice Mrs. H and Dr. M sitting at the same table at Borders, when they noticed (and somehow remembered) me, they started a conversation about me. 
"How did she do in your class?" 
"Well, not that great.  Fantastically well read, not really good at turning in assignments.  That was high school, though, how is she in Lit in College?"

They both sort of had a look of mutual understanding, then turned back to look at me. I'd heard the whole thing, and I could feel my face turn that tone of magenta that always takes over in real-life when I'm highly uncomfortable for whatever reason.

Well, when I woke up (in a cold sweat), I decided that though my semester so far has been pretty stellar, old habits die hard.  I have been pretty slacker-ly in my Neuro class. I'm passing, but I really don't care that much.  This sort of worries me. I was looking at the "suggested flow of classes" sheet specifically for Neuro majors, and my entire academic career has already been planned out. There is little space for doing "the college experience."  No "Underwater Basket-weaving 101" for me, and adding the Women's studies/LGBT studies double minors actually added an entire year to my life.  Mostly, because I have the inability to say no.  I shouldn't do the minors, but I ENJOY the classes. I do not enjoy neuroscience, but I think it's going to be more beneficial in the long-run.

So at any rate, here I am typing this nonsense blog instead of reviewing my Neuro notes, or revising my WS essay (again).

(sigh)

Have a fantastic rest of the week!
Shayna

Midterm Madness!

I apologize for the lapse in between posts.  I'm in the midst of getting multiple things done for my classes. I missed a class last week that threw off my whole [rest of] week and weekend.  I believe in the very hippie "go with the flow" sort of philosophy, but missing my class really threw a stick in the gears.  I haven't figured out if it was because I really enjoy the class or if I am just a creature of habit. 


I sort of wax and wane between the free-spirited hippie artistic personality and this other, more rigid, analytical scientist person.  I really don't feel both qualities at the same time, but I don't think I have some sort of split-personality disorder or something.  (Well probably more Bi-polar, but DiD's far more fascinating!)  Well maybe I do, people who are crazy never THINK they are crazy.  I guess the early '00's did far more damage than I thought.

This really does illuminate my true bi-polar personality! (no pun intended nor insults toward persons with the disorder)

So, aside from my "DiD," which has only become apparent because I missed my favorite class, the week is looking hectic.  It's that part of the school year where I have to stay at least a week ahead or else. 

On a serious note, I've known people with clinically diagnosed Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly multiple personality disorder) and it is nothing like they portray on television or in movies.  I can't believe I'm claiming soundness of mind with this sentence, but Jim Carey's "Me, Myself, and Irene" was a terrible and offensive movie.  (Like none of the others were.) 

Other movies with DID for reference are:

Identity
Sybil
Being John Malkovich
The Three Faces of Eve (a bit hard to find)

and lots of terrible movies with DiD/MPD as a gimmick for the plot, like Johnny Depp in The Secret Window.

After spending a few hours of research on this, I feel like the only real movie on this point is Sybil, and Sally Field does a phenomenal job, portraying nearly twenty different "people." It was a groundbreaking film then, and it remains a classic for a reason. The remake was sort of a disappointment, just go for the original.

Okay, more to follow another time, I must go do work now!
Shayna

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Pardon the Tina Turner reference, I just felt it was fitting to the scenario. My uncle and his husband are going through a terrible situation. It has affected our entire family, and three of my family members have become physically ill as a result. (Okay, probably not directly, but there was definitely bad vibes)

It always astounds me the terrible things we, as human beings do to each other. We, who are supposed to be the civilized dominant species, use words to cut down someone, usually the ones closest to us and judge and do very terrible things to each other. I like to believe in the power of positivity, and faith in humanity, and all that, but sometimes my faith gets a little shaken when I read an article about CHILDREN making another CHILD feel so isolated and in pain they want to die. It happened again when I found out that my uncle was going through this terrible, painful experience. How ironic that their wedding ceremony was all about the convergence of love and spirit, and then promise to spend the rest of their lives together nurturing it, only to have one change his mind.

I have never been the victim of infidelity, so I can't really fully empathize, but my uncle is a very important role model in my life. He's the only consistent, stable male figure throughout my childhood memories. I may never know what it's like to be "Daddy's little girl," but I often feel like I was always Jon's little girl. He taught me the importance of conducting myself in a respectful and dignified way. He showed me right from wrong. I've got his sarcastic sense of humor and quick temper as well. He even helped me with my math homework. I even have a literature collection from when he taught English. He showed me how to cook, and how to be a neighbor. He was and is (even 20 years later) more of a father to me than my own biological father.

I suppose it's all of those reasons and more that I am so frustrated at the situation. I wish I could take on his pain and anger and sadness and insecurities, but I can't. I have my own. There is almost nothing worse than watching someone you love walk through fire knowing you can't do anything to help them other than to support them and let them know you are there.

I'm becoming more of a sensitive person than I used to be, or maybe just expressing it. I have had the sort of unique experience growing up of being raised by not just a mother, but an aunt, two uncles, two grandmothers, and so on, so I've literally been raised by a village. I feel like someone is attacking my village. I may not always like everyone in my village, but I will always do whatever I can to protect my family.

If you are going through this, or have been through it, my heart goes out to you. It's a very lonely and painful thing to have a broken heart. That, I am certain of! You are not alone. I can tell you that people do mean, crappy things to each other. I will also always follow it up with an assurance that I still (yes, still!) believe in the faith of humanity and the power of love and kindness.

"What's love got to do with it?"
Everything.


-For Jon, my uncle, friend, mentor, and dad: I love you, you are not alone.

Common Courtesy...

I am an undergrad at a pretty decent sized university, and the shortage of computers for use in the library and in the Tech Center is amazing. There isn't really a lack of them, there are just a great multitude of rude people holding up computers because they are updating their Facebook status or some other ridiculous waste of time. I don't care what they're doing, but if there is a line of people waiting to use the computers because they need to print a paper for a class in a few minutes and have to wait for half an hour because Suzie Socialite and company need to check all of their friends' pictures for evidence of "last night's party," then get up and go do that at home.

I have made it a special point to be writing this blog in the library during the middle of the afternoon, right around midterms.

I guess either common courtesy isn't common to everyone, or this generation of people is just beyond selfish.

Press My Button...

I found this button for sale on www.zazzle.com for about $2.00. It pretty much sums up everything that is wrong with politics today. Get your religion out of my Constitution. Get your nonsense out of my elections. If you really want to support fully a government representative of the people, GET A FREAKING CLUE!!! Help find people jobs, do something for equal rights for all, and for the love of all that is sane, please stop finding candidates who fit nearly every diagnostic criteria of the DSM-IV-TR. (That's the checklist of symptoms for psychiatrists to diagnose mental illnesses)

I am now considering running for US Congress for PA. I will just be an insane person, then when I clearly win the support of Sarah Palin, the Teabaggers, and so on, I will just turn back into the proverbial pumpkin of sane and democratic representation.

You remember that, right? That time when the politicians were voted in not by who bought their campaigns, or selected by god, or whomever was the loudest, craziest voice in the mental ward, but by who best represented the registered voters. I feel like a revolutionary. Instead of being "stuck on stupid" I feel like if the voice of the constituency changes, so then should the voice of the public servant.

I believe whole-heartedly in the concept of democracy. We do not have that. Not even close. What we have is a giant puppy-mill that turns out celebrities-turned "politicians" who represent a class of Americans who are neither the majority, nor by all rights, probably mentally competent.

The mere fact that we are little-by-little willing to turn over money and attention to crazy people says specifically that we are no better. We are becoming a nation of insane people who watch CNN like it is MTV. Remember when CSPAN was really boring, and all they did in the houses of Congress were vote on bills, balance budgets, and you could still fall asleep happily.

That was nearly ten national disasters, two terms of Dubya, two wars, and the biggest economic deficit since the Great Depression-ago. Remember when? Ah, when the scariest thing to think of was The Exorcist? Now the scary things are home foreclosures, candidates who are no more qualified for politics than I am (which I am NOT), and whether or not our planet will still be spinning at the right temperature and position after 2012.

Apocalypse withstanding, this is a plea for ANYONE who has not yet registered to vote. Please register and vote. Vote for someone who is capable of dealing with the tough answers, not someone who would make a fantastic cover of US Weekly.

On A Serious Note-

Let me first preface what I am about to say with the fact that I am not a counselor or shrink or any other professional in mental health. Okay, disclaimer out of the way, now on to the heart of the matter.

There has been an amazing outpouring of people posting videos in response to the suicide last week of Tyler Clementi. Celebrities, sympathizers, others who have walked down that road have taken some time to stop and say, "You are not alone." That sort of reaching out can mean the world, even if only to one person. One life lost is STILL a tragedy! Nobody should ever be hazed or isolated that they feel like there is nobody in their corner.

I know this firsthand. I was in that place at a few times in my life. I felt that it didn't matter, and that if I weren't here tomorrow, nobody would even notice I was gone. A friend of mine in Germany gave me a copy of a book. It was Kate Bornstein's Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws. I read it and suddenly I felt renewed. I can't promise that if you're considering killing yourself that her book, specifically will be the one thing that changes your mind, but for me, it was. It lists a multitude of things in lieu of such a permanent decision as death.

I was reading "Auntie Kate's" blog and she reminded me of a very important fact. If someone HAS left, she suggests, they did so because they had to. She brings up a very important idea, that we shouldn't blame ourselves, but rather, to allow them the dignity of agency.

Now, I'm not condoning suicide, nor am I saying we shouldn't try to stop those who are feeling like that is the only alternative. I've been there, and I can say that what made the most difference for me was in that moment of darkness, to do two things. I thought of the people in my life who I thought might care a little (i.e. my mom, my best friends, etc) and consider whether or not they'd care.

That is really hard to do when the light of the world is so dim that you're thinking of ending your life, so the other thing I managed to do is to come up with a goal or plan of some sort. I've found that I'm a really goal-oriented person, so coming up with some activity, whether it be reading a book, typing a blog entry, talking to someone about their day, volunteering, whatever, helps me to focus my attention on some physical activity, rather than the hopelessness of my situation.

My feelings toward the "We Give A Damn" campaign still hold; I believe that it is important to hear that someone cares about you, even if they've never met you. I care about you, even if you think nobody else does.

If you're open to suggestions, try picking up a copy of Kate's book, or talk to someone at either
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

They have trained professionals, clearly more qualified than I am, but you can always just use my blog page, click on my FB link and send me a confidential msg on Facebook.

Once again, I care.
<3 Shayna

I Give More Than A Damn.

After this week's backlash of the Rutger's Student suicide/bullying tragedy, a whole bunch of celebrities have stepped forward to plead with distraught teenagers (and young adults) to not give in to the negativity of the bullies. I remember what high school was like, and frankly, it sucked! Teenagers (and pre-teens) can be some of the cruelest, most malicious people alive. I think I'd rather share a cell with Manson than have to go back to the hell of the "Mean Girls." Everyone's awkward; that's just life, but to then specifically single out LGBTQIA kids is about as fair a fight as Hellen Keller vs an Army Ranger.

How can we help? The weird dynamic of all parents (which I am not) is that one of the most common goals of a parent is to make their child's experience a little better than theirs was. How can we do that? In my experience, the US Army does something that I really like (I don't say that very often). There is mandatory suicide training three times a year to recognize signs and symptoms, know what to do, as well as suggest alternatives and other resources. They always conclude this training with passing out a "what to do" type card, about the size of a business card. It has a 24 hour toll-free hotline for those in crisis or just for people with questions.

After a little research, I found a few resources that I think might help. One is called the Trevor Project, named after the movie in the early '90's. (Which admittedly, I didn't research, a professor told us about it this past Wed.)
The website also has a 24 hour crisis line for crises or any LGBTQIA youth issues.

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
1866-488-7386

Along with this resource, is the celebrity based "We Give A Damn" campaign, which is being sponsored by the other wonderful activist organization of Cyndi Lauper. There are seemingly endless celebrities who have endorsed this campaign to end the silence, end the indifference, and end this epidemic.

http://www.WeGiveADamn.org



I've bought one of the t-shirts from the website, as on a college student's salary, I couldn't really afford to just donate a million dollars, but I'll wear my shirt in a pic and change my FB status to it.

There are zillions of ways to get active. Do something. Check out a website, find organizations, and invest time and heart. We're all human beings, so let's start treating each other that way!

<3 Shayna