working hard, or hardly working?

Current mood:thoughtful

Today was good I guess.  I actually managed to pick up the ten thousand pound phone to do "what i gotta do."  I am in a good place right now.  I am doing the stuff i am supposed to, am currently working on actually getting over someone from a long time ago...with whom I did not actually have a long-term relationship-so you'd think there wouldn't really be that many feelings, but it is a big hole.  I have wondered everything and questioned everything.  I was watching a favorite movie of mine yesterday morning, Kissing Jessica Stein, (no jokes thanks!) and I remembered identifying with the character of Jessica so much.  Most of my relationships turn out to be more of a friendship, which is okay for me, but not so much for the other person involved.

It's been a really long day.  I guess I will talk about it with "Special T" tomorrow.  He he. 
Well i really miss talking to "Special K" and "Peppermint P" and "Mom" about this stuff, because it was like my real mom, but not judgmental, and not also telling me only what i wanted to hear, but what i needed to hear.  I miss my Germany folks soooooo much.  I haven't been this "homesick" since the day I left, and the week i got back to PA. I guess I am really truly faced with the fact that i have to rely on the people right in front of me instead of those all around the world. 
I don't think i will really ever be able to fix the Kim thing, God knows I've tried.  I would do just about anything to make it right, but how do you say that to someone who won't talk to you?  ;-) 

So my life today is better. I am grateful for stuff I never recognized before.  I am happy to be in people's lives, on their terms too, not just mine.  

I also dyed my hair fire-engine red. it's great.  I mean it didn't stick to my roots so well, but i think that had a lot to do with the fact that I only left it in for like 20 minutes and sort of half-assed it...