I Believe In A Thing Called Love...

Okay, I'm fully aware how cheesy this is all going to sound.  I'm in my twenties, and I'm a hopeless romantic.  I don't think my position on this changed at all, as far as I can remember.  My nougat center has only been reinforced by my current relationship, and that of the people I know and admire.

So here is the confession: I often read the Craigslist "Missed Connections" and the Love/Hate section of the Philly Citypaper.  It's not that I'm waiting for some random moment of serendipity of memories, relationships, or crushes of yesterday. I really just want them to find their people.  Most of the posts are people either too nervous to work up the courage to say how they really feel, and I know that feeling. Some are pining away for someone they can never be with. I know that one too!  A few are even addressed to the ever infamous "one who got away."  I had a few get away, and in my non-expertise, if they got away, it wasn't right. The right person, the right time...reminds me of a song.

Anyhow, sometimes I get so cynical and jaded when it comes to issues, I forget that I'm a hardcore optimist. I'm not delusional: I don't think everyone will live happily ever after in a utopian, equal and fair society.  I just think that they should, and could.

I'm not saying (my) life is or should be like some romantic comedy. It sometimes just amazes me that in a world of billions, and not willing to settle for "happy enough," I managed to find someone to be truly happy with.  I'm not sure how long this "honeymoon" phase will last, or if that's what this is, but I'm in love, and it's pretty fabulous.

If you haven't found someone you're looking for, for whatever you're looking for, keep going. Don't be bitter at others' happiness. When other people are happy, be happy for them, and know that love is a thing.  That's what worked for me.  Plus, bitter people are usually creepy.

Peace, Love, and Rock&Roll,
Shayna

Age of Reason

I try to avoid, whenever possible, sweeping generalizations because as the great Lewis Black once said, "We are all like snowflakes."  I realized today, however that we are all the same, at heart.  No matter what the candy-coated shell looks like, or what you call it, or which way you twist the M to a W or vice-versa, we're essentially creatures fueled by the same basic human needs.  We all need to eat. As I once learned from a book, "Everybody Poops," we all do that too. We all need love.

That last thing is the part I'm going to pick up and run with.  I never pretend to be a therapist; I feel that there are enough qualified, trained professionals already.  I only have my experiences and my observations, but what it all adds up to is we need love.  "People need people." (Unless you are one of those creepy loner types who lives in a basement or attic and has memorized every line to several sci-fi movies, which you might use as a novelty act at parties should you one day get invited to one...I digress) 

I realized today that I am beyond my "fling" phase of young adulthood.  I am ready to meet someone fabulous and settle down and just be in a serious monogamous relationship.  Here's my caveat to that:  I am ready to MEET someone new.  I've dated crazy people, married people, boring people, poly-amorous people, and clearly unavailable people.  I am ready to meet someone real and be in love again. 

Love is a really weird thing.  I've found that it makes me do ridiculous things, like fly around the world, sing songs in public (a la John Cusack from Say Anything),  and an endless list of otherwise completely insane behavior.  Why? Because I'm half convinced that being in love is somewhat like having a mental illness.  We all know what I'm doing is crazy, but I can't stop myself from chasing that feeling like a predatory jungle cat.

I suppose my big epiphany is less of an epiphany and more of a small mental "click." I have after several months, finally decided to move on and stop daydreaming about the unavailable (and out of my league) professor, as well as the married, crazy, or otherwise delinquents.


I never thought I had anything to bring to the table, but lo, and behold, there are lots of things on my table. I finally have enough self-respect to take myself serious.  The bar is higher, the risk greater, but I'm enjoying the view.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Pardon the Tina Turner reference, I just felt it was fitting to the scenario. My uncle and his husband are going through a terrible situation. It has affected our entire family, and three of my family members have become physically ill as a result. (Okay, probably not directly, but there was definitely bad vibes)

It always astounds me the terrible things we, as human beings do to each other. We, who are supposed to be the civilized dominant species, use words to cut down someone, usually the ones closest to us and judge and do very terrible things to each other. I like to believe in the power of positivity, and faith in humanity, and all that, but sometimes my faith gets a little shaken when I read an article about CHILDREN making another CHILD feel so isolated and in pain they want to die. It happened again when I found out that my uncle was going through this terrible, painful experience. How ironic that their wedding ceremony was all about the convergence of love and spirit, and then promise to spend the rest of their lives together nurturing it, only to have one change his mind.

I have never been the victim of infidelity, so I can't really fully empathize, but my uncle is a very important role model in my life. He's the only consistent, stable male figure throughout my childhood memories. I may never know what it's like to be "Daddy's little girl," but I often feel like I was always Jon's little girl. He taught me the importance of conducting myself in a respectful and dignified way. He showed me right from wrong. I've got his sarcastic sense of humor and quick temper as well. He even helped me with my math homework. I even have a literature collection from when he taught English. He showed me how to cook, and how to be a neighbor. He was and is (even 20 years later) more of a father to me than my own biological father.

I suppose it's all of those reasons and more that I am so frustrated at the situation. I wish I could take on his pain and anger and sadness and insecurities, but I can't. I have my own. There is almost nothing worse than watching someone you love walk through fire knowing you can't do anything to help them other than to support them and let them know you are there.

I'm becoming more of a sensitive person than I used to be, or maybe just expressing it. I have had the sort of unique experience growing up of being raised by not just a mother, but an aunt, two uncles, two grandmothers, and so on, so I've literally been raised by a village. I feel like someone is attacking my village. I may not always like everyone in my village, but I will always do whatever I can to protect my family.

If you are going through this, or have been through it, my heart goes out to you. It's a very lonely and painful thing to have a broken heart. That, I am certain of! You are not alone. I can tell you that people do mean, crappy things to each other. I will also always follow it up with an assurance that I still (yes, still!) believe in the faith of humanity and the power of love and kindness.

"What's love got to do with it?"
Everything.


-For Jon, my uncle, friend, mentor, and dad: I love you, you are not alone.

What’s new? (AKA No sex in the city.)

I really hate when people ask me what’s new?  Obviously if there was some exciting life changing event in my life, and you know me, you’d know that i would never keep my mouth closed ever, so this is one of the exceptions for "there are no stupid questions."  Yes there are.  That was one of them.  Maybe something did happen and i just don’t want to tell you because we’re "just not tight like that" as my buddy would say.  And at that point, it’s none of your business anyway.   LOL

Ok enough contrition. 
I am at the point where I am beginning to date again.  I feel like i was out of the dating pool for a million years and don’t remember how it works.  I suppose every new relationship is new and exciting in its own right.  For the first time i can remember, i am starting to really think about what are the qualities that i want in someone, as opposed to "here are the qualities in this person, do i settle or not?"  Most of the time in relationships i have been in have worked out the same.  MOST of them.  No, not all of them, but I found that i end up realizing all the qualities i DON’T want before i find someone i can tolerate being around for more than an hour at a time.  :) 

I want someone who is a lot like me, but not me.  Someone who is driven, loves to laugh and goof off sometimes, but can still take the important stuff seriously. There are a million more things, so i will just save you the effort.... 
It is also exciting, because for the first time, i am single, but not lonely.  My friends and surrogate sisters mean so much to me.  Romance can never trump the love of a best friend. not even come close. If you happen to fall in love with your best friend, then that changes everything, but i know for me, that doesn’t really work....
I really miss being in a relationship.  I miss having someone to hold and fall asleep with.  It took me four and a half years to realize that the reason that i can’t be in a serious relationship is that in the back of my mind, i have clung on to this notion of being with somebody else...The One that changes you forever.  The One who no matter how things ended between you, they will always occupy the back of my mind.  I am not even sure i would want to pursue a relationship, but i’m the kind of impulsive girl who would still drop everything and move across the world.  Well whatever, at least i am living my life differently today. At least I have a better set of problems. 
Learn from me, either chase your dream or dream something new, but you can’t do both, well I can’t anyway.  I don’t really know what to do.  I even forget how to be asked out on a date?  Are the men still clubbing the women over the head to drag them back to the cave? 
Well, if my old "the one"  reads this, (i’d be surprised lol) but i would say something like "wow, it’s been years, I would like a chance to get to know you again." You could do the same...  talk about vices you’ve given up- drinking, smoking, chocolate, the Sopranos-whatever.  Just reconnect. You’ll realize soon whether or not the electricity is there.  Then you can finally move on, or do things however you are supposed to.  Thank God for second chances.  (For some of us-thirds fourth and fifth chances also!)

Anyway i am done rambling now, so If you are reading this and think i am crazy, I am. 
more to come another day,
love,
Shayna

PS many the miles