On Gay Marriage and Growing Up: Things I Want, Eventually!

So the other day, in a news-worthy state senate vote, New York passed gay marriage, by a margin of about one vote.  This is a big deal for a few reasons. First, there is another nail in the coffin of bigotry and discrimination, nationwide.  Second, there is no residency requirements to have a marriage license in New York state, which means anyone can run, fly, drive, train, or swim there and get married to any qualifying person they choose! (By qualifying, I'm guessing the only things stopping a marriage license in NY would be if an individual is already married to someone else, underage (and not emancipated) or not legally competent. So apart from the children, mentally incompetent, and  polygamists, this is a pretty awesome day!

From a more political standpoint, this ruling is a really, really, really big deal, because not only did it fail two years ago in a Democrat controlled state senate, but it passed, now in a Republican dominated senate.  Almost immediately after the ruling, Pres. Obama released a comment saying he's happy about the ruling, but that he still doesn't support gay marriage. Um excuse me? He wants equal rights for all, but just not that legally binding ceremonial thing that comes with tax benefits, hospital visits, adoption, and stuff.  I think he wants that other type of thing, whereby two gay men or lesbians just live together and get introduced as "my friend, [so and so]." 

I wish that the leader of the free world had more gall to stand up to his own convictions and previous promises to fight for LGBT rights ( um that means gay marriage, too, Mr. President.) instead of caving and turning these last few months before primary season into some quasi-conservative thing so John Boehner and the rest don't run him out of Washington.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't comprehend it, but the worse, and truer fact of the matter is, at the point where the president has such a high approval rating, (um ending both wars, finding Bin Laden, DADT, and so on and so on) now is the time for BOLD action.  If he truly wants to go down in history books for being as great or greater than his predecessors, it stands to reason he wouldn't want to look like the shy kid on the playground, pushing dirt around with the toe of his shoe, mumbling "Aw, shucks," while trying not to make eye contact.


NYC's Road to Gay Marriage

Op Ed from Times June 27, 2011

 Well, I believe that that dead horse has been beaten enough.  Now on to "growing up."  I doubt this will be what you were thinking it might be, but here goes anyway!!!

I'm still working on that fine balance between living as an adult, and behaving like a teenager.  I've found that I'm not particularly fond of going to bed early, eating cereal with some form of bran in it, and skimming the WSJ on my way to a "nine-to-five" are not appealing aspects of life to me at all.  So if this is what you were thinking I was going to say, congratulations, you managed to evade my fake-out reverse psychology. I'm super-mature, as you can tell.  Honestly, since I don't drink anymore, there's nothing I do that requires me to be more than a teenager anyhow.  I miss the simple days, as a friend recalls fondly, "of just waking up on Saturday morning, eating cereal and watching cartoons.  Those days rocked." 

We live in such a fast-paced, cutthroat industrial technological culture that we actually spend very little time interacting with real people in person.  A few weeks ago, I was walking down Broad St. (in North Philly) and passed dozens, if not a hundred or so people.  Nearly every single one had an iPod with ear buds in, or were busy maneuvering the sidewalk traffic, trying not to spill hot coffee, or lose that ever important game of Angry Birds.  Not one would make eye contact or return my "good morning."

When did adulthood become synonymous with self-absorbed?  Manners weren't exactly beaten into my childhood as one might suspect from meeting me.  I believe in being polite, courteous, and waiting my turn.  The drill sergeants in basic training instilled the obligation of greeting everyone you encounter.  Not only is it a good way to meet people, it shows some level of respect.  I don't expect that the dozens or so of relatively affluent people I encountered needed my respect or attention, but none even looked up long enough to reciprocate making eye contact.  These are the things that make me feel as though I'm from a different time, transported here against my will and better judgment, to see how well I can acclimate.

Kidding aside, my personal belief still remains. It is easy to actually be kind to strangers (a quality I've observed many times over in my girlfriend) if you actually care about people.  By virtue of statistics, it is easy to conclude most people don't really care about a random stranger.  I must also factor in the crime-potential, as well. *

This last part is more of a mental note to remind me of the imperfect, selfish nature of people, so that I don't chuck my hot coffee at some arbitrary person who happened to pretend to ignore me so that he or she could get to that next level of Angry Birds.  I have some bran to eat and stock market numbers to decipher.

Peace, Love, and Manners,
Shayna

* So it could also be a potential factor that I live in not a particularly safe neighborhood of a major city, and that people indigenous to the area are more accustomed to not making eye-contact, as to avoid attention. 

Is there meaning to life when you run out of pop-tarts?

Current mood:bored

I just out of the blue realized that not only am I EXACTLY where i am supposed to be, but i have drastic measurable progress from where i used to be.  I am not a kid anymore, and being a grown-up is still really just too boring, so i keep living in this mental high-school.  I am sure that sounded even crazier than it did in my own mind.  I keep having these situations and opportunities thrown into my lap to grow from. Doing what i am supposed to is getting easier, but i don’t know that it will ever just "come naturally"

I got to talk to my best friend in the whole wide world (my newest bestest friend) the other day. I forgot how much i miss people when i shut them out.  See, when people get too close and start to get to know me, i run away.  I shut them out, dodge their calls, and ignore their myspace messages...   how crazy is that?  If you do that too, then you’re as nuts as i am.  ANYWAY i am working on not doing that anymore.  I don’t want to be that person who has a flock of friends around when it’s only convenient for me, forget the rest!  Instead of just spending all my time thinking about all the people that i miss at the moment and how it would be nice to re-connect with those folks and pick up with our friendship from anywhere in my Manic past, i think about it more than face value now.  Yes, i miss a bunch of folks. Yes it would be really cool to hang out with them all right now!  Then they would open up to me, i would tell them all about what’s been going on and before i know it, i’m hiding from their calls again.  Maybe it’s some sort of self-preservation, but after a long while all you’re left with is a bunch of memories and pictures of people who you don’t know anymore. 

Long story short, i am working on it!  I am and will forever be a commitment-phobe, in relationships and all sorts of obligations, but i hate HAVING to do stuff.  I think i am just a flower child born 30 years late. 

more to follow.
much love, Shayna

sometimes it’s not about me

Current mood:ecstatic

The thing I have to realize, especially now, is that life isn't always about me.  I enjoy making things all about me, especially when they don't really need to be. 

I am so grateful today for my friends and family, especially the newer ones and hope they realize that they save my life on a daily basis.  I miss Melissa and wish she'd come back to Germany, even though I am in Wurzburg at the moment.  Perhaps I should have let someone know where I am, someone other than the person who did know. 
Today I need to work on my manipulation issues and how to just be honest and kind in every way that I can!

I am sure that I will blog more later,
luv Shayna----Shy Shayna

the short version....

Current mood:optimistic

Wow.  I have this new friend and she's my new hero.  She is "a real girl, not a good girl."  I love that.  I love having a friend who is also a mentor and a sister and a mother and so much!  I hate that I am leaving here in a few more weeks and will not be able to see her everyday to tell me how fantastic I am-even though I am really not...but just to hear it!  I love that the way my life is working out, I know i have an extended family that I will never lose, so long as i say so.  Coming home means a lot: picking up with my job and school and fire department, and so on, in addition to squeezing in a few new things.....  I don't have it all figured out just yet.  I probably will never figure out all of life's mysteries, but i know that if i take life one day at a time, I will survive, thrive, and even help other people. 

It's okay to be confused in life, I don't NEED to be labeled or categorized or anything.  I can just be confused, wandering around aimlessly in life, and nobody can tell me that I HAVE to do anything.  I accept consequences for my actions, but on the whole,  it's OK to be existential for a bit.  I plan to keep my new friend in my life for a long time.  She is like the little conscience that points out the facts and makes me make the right decision, or the wrong one, or tells me that I don't have to make a decision and that's OK too. 
I have recently talked to two people i hadn't heard from in AGES!  One is someone I went to high school with and completely lost touch with.  I remember that she was, in fact, one of my best friends for a long time, so it was cool to hear from her out of the blue!  We will have to connect when i come home!

The other was someone from my past, who I am hoping to also reconnect with.  Someone who without knowing anything probably changed my life and showed me what it is to love another human being.  I am certain that they didn't probably know they were doing ALL THAT at the time, but they did.  U did.    Anyway it took me way too long to write back, so I will completely understand if they don't write me back for a while. 

Anyway, it was a great day today.  I know, what my comments say, but that was then, and I didn't drink yesterday or today, we'll see about tomorrow, but probably not. 
Love you all, and so here's Special K's short version of the serenity prayer:  "F*** it." 
Thanks and luv ya,
Shayna

Venting, identity crisis, friends

Current mood:chipper

How is it that whenever I feel like I need to vent, I am doing something wrong?   I feel like everyone else deals with their "baggage" way better than me.  On the grander scheme of things, my life is so fantastic right now.  I have a friend who is coming back in about a week, and I can't wait.  I missed her a whole bunch!

My piercing is a tad sore.  I finally told my mom about it.  I wasn't embarrassed to tell her about any of the other stuff, but the fact that I got my tongue pierced was beyond me.  No, I haven't yet gotten any flatware stuck on it.  Thanks guys for scaring the shit out of me before I even did it.  I appreciate it.    j/k   I have learned so much stuff over the last month or so.  Ironically it all started when I pulled off my rose-colored glasses to see what the world was really about.  I, in turn, was able to see from a more reliable vantage point. 

Someone apologized to me for getting "a little fucking poetic."  She's way nicer than me.  I am getting fucking poetic, deal with it. 

I have given up.  I have tried every way i knew to get what I wanted.  I have since learned that it really didn't matter, because what i wanted was selfish and contrary to what the bigger picture had in store.  good things are still happening to me, but now, i get to share them with other people, instead of trying to be the "Special one"  or have the best or newest whatever.  Life is way too short to live with a selfish mindset.  If i knew me before I started to become the person i am trying to be, i would kick my own ass.  Selfish?  I wanted to be the one who helps little old ladies get out a shopping cart at the grocery store and then pushes it back to the store for them after they are done.  I wanted to be the one who can throw a twenty in the Salvation Army thingy without the Santa guy coming back to me to ask if I'd made a mistake.  I wanted to be the one who is at the hospital and after visiting hours and my shift is over, when you can't sleep, i will sit with you and talk you through it all, holding your hand and crying with you.  I was the one who in high school would spend hours filing articles for a particular teacher who would share her immense passion for psychology and education and politics and so on, for the price of my organizational skills.  I was the one who without asking would pick up trash on the side of the street, help fix a flat for a stranger, throw my change in the "Make a Wish" cup and so on.  How the hell did i become the person who didn't even want to be around people because I thought they'd ask me for a little of my time.  When had that happened?  I was truly a sick individual.  I guess I can't really focus too much on all of that, and instead, need more to focus on what i can do right now to help other people...  or else i won't be worth fixing. 

I think i look at it this way:  I have a problem, for which there is no set solution, only suggestions to lessen it.  What i want more than to solve that particular problem is to become the right person as a whole.  I can do little things here and there, but until my heart AND mind are in the right place, it won't do any good at all.  I am working on all of that, and i am sure that one day i will be there, but for now, I am content with the little progress i have made thus far.  It makes me want to come back over a long period of time and work it long-term.  we'll see. 

I am a whole Dr. Phil season all wrapped up into a 5'4" package.  Whodathunkit?
Today I am glad for my friends.  They tell me what I need to hear-the truth!  not what I want to hear, the TRUTH!!!!

To you, my friends, you know exactly whom you are, I love you much and owe today's stark revelation to you, making me think always of anything but me!  I love it! 

love and peace!
Shayna

"You don't know $#!T..."

Current mood:happy

WOW has this been a really long week. I am so lost i don't know where to start... It's been a while since I have been here.  Let me first start out by saying that if God's up there, He must really be laughing at my melodrama.
Did you ever just have "one of those days?" Well I did.  My "day" turned into a week. Which turned into months and now, about a year and a half. 

I woke up late this morning.  If you don't know me well, you may not be able to appreciate the fact that I am SO not a morning person.  I hate waking up more than anything else in life. Except going to bed.  Sleep is such an unproductive waste of time.  It is pointless. why bother? 

Well, when you don't do it for several days and then try to "nap" and wake up the next day, I know that I am often late for work.  I hate mornings.  That's why i am probably one of the biggest supporters to caffeine anywhere.  I love to live life a billion miles an hour with my hair on fire. 

A great new friend of mine once told me "never be afraid to try to get what you want out of life.  Don't settle, you gotta fight for it."  That is amazing to me. 

I am kind of an arrogant jackass sometimes.  Again to those of you who really truly know me, that might be an understatement.  I also have somewhat of a "god-complex."  I want to save the world and stuff.... right.
I asked someone to help me with something that happens to be outside my field of expertise.  I sort of just wanted to be told "Do this, read up on that, write about it in a journal, etc."  I had already made so damn many previous expectations in my own mind, that fulfilling my own preconceived ideas was impossible.  Back to reality- what she said essentially-you don't know jack, or you wouldn't be asking for my help in the first place!  that grabbed me by the throat.  Someone called me on my bullshit.  That hadn't happened in a long time.  wow. 

more on all of that another time, but as for now, I have to go check in on something, call someone, and be somewhere cause if i don't, I will end up a nobody, doing nothing, and I'll be nowhere. 

Ha-and I have to polish the rims of my 21 year-old "Rose colored glasses."

-"peace out, cub scout" and hi to all, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Shayna