Resolution Revolution Revulsion

Happy New Year's!

In reflecting over my New Year's Resolutions, past and present, I've developed a few thoughts on the subject.

1. Quitting Smoking without any reason other than it's the first day of the year is completely idiotic and almost never works.  Good luck with that.
2. Losing weight is also a good idea, but as far as NYRs go, lame.
3. Furthering professional or academic careers: I think that this is a do-able feat, but not my cup of tea kind of goal. Too much "me" involved!
4. "Be a better person." This is ridiculous for two reasons. First, you would only need to perform one act of goodness in the entire year to achieve this. Once again, L-A-M-E. Second, I am not really a fan of the "good/bad person" dichotomy.  It is a binary system that essentially equates actions with personal worth. People who really do great things in the world, i.e., the "Mother Teresas" of the world probably don't resolve each January 1 to "be a better person."  (Neither do the Charles Mansons of the world...)

I'm sure I'll have far more ideas after I've slept on it, but here on the east coast, it is about 230 a.m.

My 2010 was a pretty successful year. I've finished another year of school, lost and received my driver's license twice, become a Tweeter, made some awesome new friends, reconnected with a few old ones, and lost some, and even challenged some societal norms.  In other words, it was another year. In the same manner a birthday is another milestone marked by becoming "older and wiser," so too, is the philosophy of improvement behind the New Year's Resolution.

With a bit of hindsight from this past year, this year's resolution for me is more of a mantra for me to live by:

• Treat people like you might never see them again 
• let everyone you care about know what they really mean to you 
• question everything to find meaning, but not to be a jerk
• spend your time doing the most important things
• spend your money like it was the hardest money you ever earned
• be generous with compassion, tolerance, and patience 
• remember to have a sense of humor, or else, and finally, 
• your body does not have a warranty, so take care of it yourself

 I think that pretty much sums up all the lessons (new and continued) of 2010 leading into 2011. I am probably missing something important, but I am exhausted. Feel free to borrow any of that, or even suggest some more.

Peace, Love, and Rock,
Shayna

The Greatest Gifts of the Season

This past week, I've been given more gifts than I could have ever asked for.  The repeal of DADT from the Senate (which is to be signed by the president in 3 and a half hours), my car is finally almost done (superficial, but I'm still singing the Hallelujah Chorus), and my ridiculous schoolgirl crush on the professor has dissipated in 2 seconds flat.  I'm enjoying my free-time, minus the insanity of christmas shopping.

I've already beat the dead horse to death, so to speak with the DADT thing, and how overjoyed I am that this idiotic policy is finally going away, so I'll leave that one alone for now, until something significant else happens.

The car thing seems pretty self-explanatory.  I don't know if the God or the goddesses or whatever is up there just REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted me to learn dependence and how to be still, but I've gotten the point.  Enough already, I have stuff to do.  My wings got clipped, but they've grown in nicely, thank you very much.  I'm ready to hop from the nest, once again!

Oh the last thing.  Well just to summarize it all and not sound like a complete tool, I had a huge crush on a professor this past semester.  I got over it in about three seconds, after someone showed me their wedding picture.  I can't describe it, other than to be truly happy for someone else's happiness.  I think that's how I'd define peace and joy in my life.  (Side note-most adorable couple ever.)

I almost went on a date on Monday, but alas, being sans car really screwed that one up.  I really like this one.  We met at a concert...well, outside a concert.  I'll continue that story another day.

When I was just a little girl...

When I was younger, it was really exciting to think about all of the wonderful experiences and moments that the future might hold. Falling in love, having my first job, etching my initials on the world somehow, and so on. The getting older part happens of itself, with very minimal effort on my behalf whatsoever! I've found that the more things I do actually experience, the more my "lust for life," as Iggy would say, grows. I've been in love, had a few jobs, contributed to humanitarian causes, served in the military, written poetry and songs, seen the Eiffel Tower at dawn (albeit with much fine French coffee), and many more things. I know what it feels like to watch someone take their last breath and be the last person that they saw. My life is far richer than I could have imagined as a small child. I just had my twenty-fifth birthday on the opposite coast watching the sun rise over the mountains in California.

But being the flawed and impatient human being that I am, I still yearn for more. My "bucket list" is sort of silly, in hindsight, because nobody really knows how much time is left on their timer. Sometimes I feel like my life is just sitting at a poker table, and I'm always going "all in." I win, which means every time I get dealt a hand, I'm risking more and more. I've lost a few hands, here and there, but all in all, it's as if the pit boss really wants me to win. That, or else he really, really wants the others at my table to lose. Either way, the only way to actually win with your hand is to bet. Play. The most disappointing thing in the experience of my life is when I realize I folded on a winning hand.

So how is this relevant to the context of what I was writing of earlier? Well I folded a few hands, because I was waiting for the Full House or Pocket Aces. As it turns out, my 2,3 combo as of late, turned out to be a full house with the river cards.

Venting, identity crisis, friends

Current mood:chipper

How is it that whenever I feel like I need to vent, I am doing something wrong?   I feel like everyone else deals with their "baggage" way better than me.  On the grander scheme of things, my life is so fantastic right now.  I have a friend who is coming back in about a week, and I can't wait.  I missed her a whole bunch!

My piercing is a tad sore.  I finally told my mom about it.  I wasn't embarrassed to tell her about any of the other stuff, but the fact that I got my tongue pierced was beyond me.  No, I haven't yet gotten any flatware stuck on it.  Thanks guys for scaring the shit out of me before I even did it.  I appreciate it.    j/k   I have learned so much stuff over the last month or so.  Ironically it all started when I pulled off my rose-colored glasses to see what the world was really about.  I, in turn, was able to see from a more reliable vantage point. 

Someone apologized to me for getting "a little fucking poetic."  She's way nicer than me.  I am getting fucking poetic, deal with it. 

I have given up.  I have tried every way i knew to get what I wanted.  I have since learned that it really didn't matter, because what i wanted was selfish and contrary to what the bigger picture had in store.  good things are still happening to me, but now, i get to share them with other people, instead of trying to be the "Special one"  or have the best or newest whatever.  Life is way too short to live with a selfish mindset.  If i knew me before I started to become the person i am trying to be, i would kick my own ass.  Selfish?  I wanted to be the one who helps little old ladies get out a shopping cart at the grocery store and then pushes it back to the store for them after they are done.  I wanted to be the one who can throw a twenty in the Salvation Army thingy without the Santa guy coming back to me to ask if I'd made a mistake.  I wanted to be the one who is at the hospital and after visiting hours and my shift is over, when you can't sleep, i will sit with you and talk you through it all, holding your hand and crying with you.  I was the one who in high school would spend hours filing articles for a particular teacher who would share her immense passion for psychology and education and politics and so on, for the price of my organizational skills.  I was the one who without asking would pick up trash on the side of the street, help fix a flat for a stranger, throw my change in the "Make a Wish" cup and so on.  How the hell did i become the person who didn't even want to be around people because I thought they'd ask me for a little of my time.  When had that happened?  I was truly a sick individual.  I guess I can't really focus too much on all of that, and instead, need more to focus on what i can do right now to help other people...  or else i won't be worth fixing. 

I think i look at it this way:  I have a problem, for which there is no set solution, only suggestions to lessen it.  What i want more than to solve that particular problem is to become the right person as a whole.  I can do little things here and there, but until my heart AND mind are in the right place, it won't do any good at all.  I am working on all of that, and i am sure that one day i will be there, but for now, I am content with the little progress i have made thus far.  It makes me want to come back over a long period of time and work it long-term.  we'll see. 

I am a whole Dr. Phil season all wrapped up into a 5'4" package.  Whodathunkit?
Today I am glad for my friends.  They tell me what I need to hear-the truth!  not what I want to hear, the TRUTH!!!!

To you, my friends, you know exactly whom you are, I love you much and owe today's stark revelation to you, making me think always of anything but me!  I love it! 

love and peace!
Shayna