Role Models

This week has been both a trying one and wonderful one simultaneously. With the new semester's classes beginning, I was excited to find out that a Women's Studies course I was interested in had availabilities left, but when I went to my advisor to see whether or not it would fit with my schedule, I was told that there were only openings for "special population" students. I think they mean athletes and such, but I believe this to be the definition of irony. I was also a bit disappointed because one of the required texts was Valencia, by Michelle Tea, which I'd read over Christmas break. I suppose that's what I get for trying to be lazy. Perhaps next semester, when I'll have no doubt forgotten what the book was about to start with.





Saturday, I visited a mentor of mine. I believe everyone should have at least one person who inspires them to do something; to be great. I am considerably fortunate, in that I have so many mentors and heroes. It is always such a breath of fresh air to be reminded of two important facts (which I am certain she didn't intend to convey):

1. WHAT you do is never as important as WHY you do it and HOW you do it.


2. There are no do-overs in life. Spending time as if it is truly the precious commodity it is may be the best way to have no regrets.

I've got a handful of talented and brilliant women who have shown me empowerment, pride, and responsibility. I am a privileged minority in that respect, as I know dozens of young women my age who never knew that feeling at the most important times. Perhaps it's the largest part of my character, this idealism, but I wish that for every woman.

I guess we never really know who's looking up to us.

working

Current mood:peaceful

Wow.  Today I received an email back from someone from my past.  I thought that it would be a warm and fuzzy message, but as I have a lot of damage to fix, this situation may never be fully rectified.  That breaks my heart to the core.  I also have a new mission to figure some things out, one of which is something i have never really thought about until.... well never mind.  My friend Kathie always posed the question "when did you decide to be [you]?" as a retort to my once small-mindedness.  I believe whole hearted in a strong character and a gentle heart, but I don't know if i will ever have enough of either to be able to fix my situation.  I do miss them very much and am sad that they haven't been able to share recent things with me, I would have grown tremendously from that. 
Que sera, sera. 
I just have to work harder to make today a day whereby at the end of it I don't hold any regrets, resentments, and my side of the street is clean.

Peace and Love.

Venting, identity crisis, friends

Current mood:chipper

How is it that whenever I feel like I need to vent, I am doing something wrong?   I feel like everyone else deals with their "baggage" way better than me.  On the grander scheme of things, my life is so fantastic right now.  I have a friend who is coming back in about a week, and I can't wait.  I missed her a whole bunch!

My piercing is a tad sore.  I finally told my mom about it.  I wasn't embarrassed to tell her about any of the other stuff, but the fact that I got my tongue pierced was beyond me.  No, I haven't yet gotten any flatware stuck on it.  Thanks guys for scaring the shit out of me before I even did it.  I appreciate it.    j/k   I have learned so much stuff over the last month or so.  Ironically it all started when I pulled off my rose-colored glasses to see what the world was really about.  I, in turn, was able to see from a more reliable vantage point. 

Someone apologized to me for getting "a little fucking poetic."  She's way nicer than me.  I am getting fucking poetic, deal with it. 

I have given up.  I have tried every way i knew to get what I wanted.  I have since learned that it really didn't matter, because what i wanted was selfish and contrary to what the bigger picture had in store.  good things are still happening to me, but now, i get to share them with other people, instead of trying to be the "Special one"  or have the best or newest whatever.  Life is way too short to live with a selfish mindset.  If i knew me before I started to become the person i am trying to be, i would kick my own ass.  Selfish?  I wanted to be the one who helps little old ladies get out a shopping cart at the grocery store and then pushes it back to the store for them after they are done.  I wanted to be the one who can throw a twenty in the Salvation Army thingy without the Santa guy coming back to me to ask if I'd made a mistake.  I wanted to be the one who is at the hospital and after visiting hours and my shift is over, when you can't sleep, i will sit with you and talk you through it all, holding your hand and crying with you.  I was the one who in high school would spend hours filing articles for a particular teacher who would share her immense passion for psychology and education and politics and so on, for the price of my organizational skills.  I was the one who without asking would pick up trash on the side of the street, help fix a flat for a stranger, throw my change in the "Make a Wish" cup and so on.  How the hell did i become the person who didn't even want to be around people because I thought they'd ask me for a little of my time.  When had that happened?  I was truly a sick individual.  I guess I can't really focus too much on all of that, and instead, need more to focus on what i can do right now to help other people...  or else i won't be worth fixing. 

I think i look at it this way:  I have a problem, for which there is no set solution, only suggestions to lessen it.  What i want more than to solve that particular problem is to become the right person as a whole.  I can do little things here and there, but until my heart AND mind are in the right place, it won't do any good at all.  I am working on all of that, and i am sure that one day i will be there, but for now, I am content with the little progress i have made thus far.  It makes me want to come back over a long period of time and work it long-term.  we'll see. 

I am a whole Dr. Phil season all wrapped up into a 5'4" package.  Whodathunkit?
Today I am glad for my friends.  They tell me what I need to hear-the truth!  not what I want to hear, the TRUTH!!!!

To you, my friends, you know exactly whom you are, I love you much and owe today's stark revelation to you, making me think always of anything but me!  I love it! 

love and peace!
Shayna