update....melodrama meltdown

 Current mood:blah

I feel as though i ought to elaborate...i tried to blog it out yesterday, but then i forgot to send it out and inevitably deleted it instead.  Someone, i shall not say whom, went through my stuff in my bedroom and found a sort of Diary, of sorts.  This contained my deepest fears, my tawdry affairs, my deepest hatred and rage, paired, along with every person whom I'd ever wronged-to the best of my recollection.  That's a freakin' lot of people, let me tell you.  All of my sordid past-gone in one person's inconsiderate and juvenile antics. 
still worse, despite the fact that i kept it in my underwear drawer...under my socks you pervs, but either way, my "Mentor" T-dog as i call her, told me that in the great grand scheme of things that That particular detail didn't really matter.  That's true, i guess, but even after he took it, he told someone else the damaging material from inside, and then was mad that the other person had told me what had happened. 
He now has it and won't give it back and is threatening to do lawyer-related things with it.  Except he's a moron and doesn't know that the statute of limitations for a misdemeanor as a juvenile is beyond invasion of privacy and theft and harassment and etc. 

On another note, i just keep reading. I love Janice Dickinson, and just recently finished Tweaked by Patrick Moore.  It was fantastic!  So was check, please! i think when I get home, i will go home and read something else I guess.  I am running out of books.

fleeing the country....catching up on life...

I am doing something that I never saw myself doing before: reading the autobiography of Janice Dickinson.  I have no idea what it is about her. She is so...intriguing.  The book reads like it was written by a middle-schooler, but you feel like you're right there in it all, meeting all these crazy celebrities all over the world.  It all sounds really cool.

I hope to god my life is that cool when I get through med school.  Maybe that's it- that is my thing!  I hope it is, because there's not really a whole lot else I am good at AND open to doing as a job, and Tina Fey already has the other best job in the universe, so I will have to settle for a MD. 
I have no desire whatsoever to take the LSAT.  Law school is for real geeks....or so I thought.  What the hell do you use a MAT for?  I want to take that, but what is the practicality?  I didn't know when I was a kid that I would take stuff like a ASCP board, or a MCAT, for that matter either. 

I am really excited to go to Europe.  I miss those folks so much it almost hurts knowing that I will be coming home.  But that's the way the cookie crumbles.  I am back in the real world now, so I have to get back from the ball before my glass slipper turns into a pumpkin or something. 
I realized that romantically, on a personal note that the reason that I couldn't get my last 3 year's relationships to work is mostly because I have been hung up on someone else.  That sucks!  Wow.  I have been chasing a ghost for so long that I got a message from that person for the first time in a LONG time and nearly lost it.  We have become OK email acquaintances in the meantime, but I have no idea what will come of it.  The timing, the distance, the fact that I have NOT moved on, etc... details, details...
OK that's enough personal stuff for now...
Lori, go back to work or i will tell on you... ;-)
love ya all,
Shayna

working hard, or hardly working?

Current mood:thoughtful

Today was good I guess.  I actually managed to pick up the ten thousand pound phone to do "what i gotta do."  I am in a good place right now.  I am doing the stuff i am supposed to, am currently working on actually getting over someone from a long time ago...with whom I did not actually have a long-term relationship-so you'd think there wouldn't really be that many feelings, but it is a big hole.  I have wondered everything and questioned everything.  I was watching a favorite movie of mine yesterday morning, Kissing Jessica Stein, (no jokes thanks!) and I remembered identifying with the character of Jessica so much.  Most of my relationships turn out to be more of a friendship, which is okay for me, but not so much for the other person involved.

It's been a really long day.  I guess I will talk about it with "Special T" tomorrow.  He he. 
Well i really miss talking to "Special K" and "Peppermint P" and "Mom" about this stuff, because it was like my real mom, but not judgmental, and not also telling me only what i wanted to hear, but what i needed to hear.  I miss my Germany folks soooooo much.  I haven't been this "homesick" since the day I left, and the week i got back to PA. I guess I am really truly faced with the fact that i have to rely on the people right in front of me instead of those all around the world. 
I don't think i will really ever be able to fix the Kim thing, God knows I've tried.  I would do just about anything to make it right, but how do you say that to someone who won't talk to you?  ;-) 

So my life today is better. I am grateful for stuff I never recognized before.  I am happy to be in people's lives, on their terms too, not just mine.  

I also dyed my hair fire-engine red. it's great.  I mean it didn't stick to my roots so well, but i think that had a lot to do with the fact that I only left it in for like 20 minutes and sort of half-assed it... 

working

Current mood:peaceful

Wow.  Today I received an email back from someone from my past.  I thought that it would be a warm and fuzzy message, but as I have a lot of damage to fix, this situation may never be fully rectified.  That breaks my heart to the core.  I also have a new mission to figure some things out, one of which is something i have never really thought about until.... well never mind.  My friend Kathie always posed the question "when did you decide to be [you]?" as a retort to my once small-mindedness.  I believe whole hearted in a strong character and a gentle heart, but I don't know if i will ever have enough of either to be able to fix my situation.  I do miss them very much and am sad that they haven't been able to share recent things with me, I would have grown tremendously from that. 
Que sera, sera. 
I just have to work harder to make today a day whereby at the end of it I don't hold any regrets, resentments, and my side of the street is clean.

Peace and Love.

What can i say

Current mood:exhausted

 

Progress not perfection...that one is a tough cookie to swallow, but if you take it in small bites, it's good food for thought. 

i just totally made that crap up.
i am sooooooooo excited to go home. you have no freakin idea.  I miss my MHY folks and those heathens at York too. 
I suppose I have to re-think my manner of living when I come home, but it will be close to what I used to do at home-stay busy and one day at a time try to be the best me I can be and ask for God's will daily.
I really don't know what else I have now.  I will miss many friends here in germany, most of whom i just recently had the honor to meet.  I will undoubtedly miss my SPC K and many others, because they in part changed my life.  I tend to overcomplicate things, and someone very recently helped me to put all that crap into perspective by saying- "Stay in the moment, or you will waste the now worrying about the past or the future, which you have no control over."
I still don't know what i am doing this weekend, but i am sure whatever i do, i will both have a blast and feel guilty about not spending time with some person or another.  How egotistical of me to think that other people vie for my time!?!?!
Anyways, super grateful for today and I didn't do anything wrong.
-luv ya
shayna-on my 89th DOS

sometimes it’s not about me

Current mood:ecstatic

The thing I have to realize, especially now, is that life isn't always about me.  I enjoy making things all about me, especially when they don't really need to be. 

I am so grateful today for my friends and family, especially the newer ones and hope they realize that they save my life on a daily basis.  I miss Melissa and wish she'd come back to Germany, even though I am in Wurzburg at the moment.  Perhaps I should have let someone know where I am, someone other than the person who did know. 
Today I need to work on my manipulation issues and how to just be honest and kind in every way that I can!

I am sure that I will blog more later,
luv Shayna----Shy Shayna

the short version....

Current mood:optimistic

Wow.  I have this new friend and she's my new hero.  She is "a real girl, not a good girl."  I love that.  I love having a friend who is also a mentor and a sister and a mother and so much!  I hate that I am leaving here in a few more weeks and will not be able to see her everyday to tell me how fantastic I am-even though I am really not...but just to hear it!  I love that the way my life is working out, I know i have an extended family that I will never lose, so long as i say so.  Coming home means a lot: picking up with my job and school and fire department, and so on, in addition to squeezing in a few new things.....  I don't have it all figured out just yet.  I probably will never figure out all of life's mysteries, but i know that if i take life one day at a time, I will survive, thrive, and even help other people. 

It's okay to be confused in life, I don't NEED to be labeled or categorized or anything.  I can just be confused, wandering around aimlessly in life, and nobody can tell me that I HAVE to do anything.  I accept consequences for my actions, but on the whole,  it's OK to be existential for a bit.  I plan to keep my new friend in my life for a long time.  She is like the little conscience that points out the facts and makes me make the right decision, or the wrong one, or tells me that I don't have to make a decision and that's OK too. 
I have recently talked to two people i hadn't heard from in AGES!  One is someone I went to high school with and completely lost touch with.  I remember that she was, in fact, one of my best friends for a long time, so it was cool to hear from her out of the blue!  We will have to connect when i come home!

The other was someone from my past, who I am hoping to also reconnect with.  Someone who without knowing anything probably changed my life and showed me what it is to love another human being.  I am certain that they didn't probably know they were doing ALL THAT at the time, but they did.  U did.    Anyway it took me way too long to write back, so I will completely understand if they don't write me back for a while. 

Anyway, it was a great day today.  I know, what my comments say, but that was then, and I didn't drink yesterday or today, we'll see about tomorrow, but probably not. 
Love you all, and so here's Special K's short version of the serenity prayer:  "F*** it." 
Thanks and luv ya,
Shayna